[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
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one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Accurate
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.