My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
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A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
emergency phone
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres