I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
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I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
I got bills
They’re multiplying
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex