Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
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Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
#milo
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.