God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
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I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
pelicons
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan