Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
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When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?