Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
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Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh