Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
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“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
my name if I was in the mob
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked