-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
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captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep