Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
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STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Me when someone tries to get to know me