[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
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DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
*bites zombie*
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.