[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
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I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”