My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
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adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
You sure about that?
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.