What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
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This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”