The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
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Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Wise advice
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Meanwhile in Canada…
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice