So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
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No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Flock of bats
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
the world’s most popular steaming services
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split