My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
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Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Good point.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”