Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
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beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.