Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
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I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”