my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
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If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
the worm is coming from inside the brain
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works