Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
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Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps