Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
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Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “