[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
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[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
concern
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.