Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
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Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Hard not to take this personally