Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
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[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.