My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
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I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Good morning.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.