Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
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These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Aaaa…CHOO!
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.