I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
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7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
when there are deer in the woods
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”