ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
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It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.