CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
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When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Friday night party time 🥳
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.