I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
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The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
doing your own taxes
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Would you wear it?
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*