Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
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Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.