Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
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Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”