Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
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Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.