Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
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The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Its a hippotatomus
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’