[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
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I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
o shit
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*