If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
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You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*