cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
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i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
wishing you and yours all the best
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Haha good job!!
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?