T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
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[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
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