One cake enters. No cake leaves.
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(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
#Caturday
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Pandas 🐼🖤
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.