Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
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Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible