I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
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I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Can. I. Help. You.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”