A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
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Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.