A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
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I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one