2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
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So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.