A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
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Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
our love story in four pictures
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.