M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
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Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
how do y’all walk in shallow water
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
#MeanwhileInCanada
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Bread puns are on the rise!
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*