moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
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If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate