I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
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Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
@funTweeters I am at your service….
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.