“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
You Might Also Like
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”